Neverland

I have always felt a deep understanding for Peter Pan. Not in that I have any particular penchant for green tights, but in that I have never wanted to grow up. 

My childhood was an extremely cosy and happy one and, knowing that the adult world could be quite the opposite, I had absolutely no desire to leave it. 

Even after getting married and leaving home, buying sofas and signing car leases, purchasing alcohol without ID and being put in charge of other people's children (not at the same time), I've never properly felt like a grown up. I've always felt like a "grown up".  Like I have been faking it and could be discovered and sent back to the kids table at any moment. 

There is a lot to be said for being a child in an adult's body. If I want chocolate for breakfast and McDonald's for dinner, there's no one to stop me. If I want to suddenly drive off on a ridiculous adventure, then that is what will happen. Usually with my husband as instigator and partner-in-crime on both counts. 

But then, suddenly, things changed for me. I had to deal with a grown up situation in a grown up way. I had to make real, grown up decisions. I felt like, after spending years as a "grown up", the quotation marks fell away. And, to my astonishment, I actually really like it. I feel comfortable in myself. I feel happy and settled, confident and in control. I feel like a grown up. 

Now, this could just be an extremely short lived thing. You could find me tomorrow, throwing fairy dust over myself and thinking happy thoughts, or curled in a ball, sobbing. And I by no means rule out future random adventures or chocolate breakfasts/McDonald's dinners. For goodness sake, I'm not a Grown Up yet. 

But, for the moment, I feel like being a grown up isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe Wendy was not as stupid as I thought  after all. Maybe when we refuse to grow up, we just tie ourselves to living in the past. Maybe I shouldn't write blog posts when I'm feeling quite so philosophical, who knows! Whatever the case, I will just quietly enjoy my budgets and to-do lists and proudly state "I...am an adult! And it's not that bad." 

P.s Although, I did buy drain un-blocker for the first time this week. How boring and unglamorous. I could happily do without the part of adulthood where you have to deal with plumbing.